I’m so mad I could throw the phone out the window! The rage racing through my veins is inevitable. I can’t sit in one spot. I need to walk, pace, even stand. Anything would be better than sitting. With the phone in my right hand and my left hand on my hip, I don’t bother hiding my anger when he answers the phone. I dive right in as soon as he answers with ‘Hello’.
“I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU TOLD THEM! YOU HAD NO RIGHT!”
“Why shouldn’t I have?”
Men. And they say women are complicated. Jeez! I squeeze my eyes shut in an attempt to stifle my anger, all the while pinching the bridge of my nose with my left thumb and index finger.
“Because it is something PERSONAL! It wasn’t meant for anyone else to hear. This is between you and me.”
“Well Hun, I don’t want to scare you but there is potential to be a big problem and we care about you.”
Always worrying. Assuming there is a problem when there isn’t. I know they care but sometimes they should just mind their own business. The phone is pressed against my right ear so tightly it seems to be radiating heat.
“I have always been small though! Look at my past. You have known me for six years! You know better than anyone that I have always been small and I’m healthy. There is no problem here. I’m not sure how many times I have to tell you.”
“Hun, I know you’ve always been small... I can’t change that... I’m just worried about you getting too small... you’ve been losing weight slowly since the summer started this year.”
It takes all the effort I have to keep my voice calm and level. I release the grip I made on the bridge of my nose and open my eyes. I just want his apology and for this to be over with. I hate fighting...
“I’m not going to get too small. I’m doing what I can to stay healthy. I’m taking my vitamins the doctor requested; I’m exercising and eating right. The rest is just the way I am Hun. I’m not going to get smaller.”
“You better not... just please follow what I wrote... otherwise you are going to get stuck in something that’s almost impossible to get out of”
If only I could see his face, if I could see his emotions. It would make this so much easier. He wrote out everything I should eat and when I should eat. I know it’s because he cares, but this might be taking it to a whole other level. I just want to stop arguing...
“I’m doing the best I can Hun.”
“That’s all I ask... I just want you to be healthy, but the way things appear to be going if it stays like that you may not be healthy much longer and I don’t want that to happen to you... I love you”
Damn, he said those words that literally takes my breath away, those words that mean the entire world to me. He means the world to me...
“Even if this does become a problem, I don’t think it will, but if it does this is my problem Love, not yours. You don’t need to worry.”
“Hun, it will become the problem of everyone who cares about you.”
“Everyone who cares about you.” That sounds so foreign to me...
“I understand. Next time please talk to me before you tell anyone anything. This is kinda embarrassing for me.”
“Yeah... sorry... it’s nothing to be embarrassed about though... my parents are probably the most understanding parents ever... they are totally on team Amanda.”
Hanging up the phone and tossing it onto the couch, I no longer feel anger. The rage that I felt five minutes ago has left as quickly as it came. The blood has left my face. I think I might throw up. I walk to the bathroom and place my hands along the edges of the white sink, using it as a crutch to hold myself up. My head feels heavy as it hangs below my shoulders. I need to think about what just happened. I close my eyes and lift my head. When I finally open my eyes I see my reflection. I follow my long red hair as it hits my porcelain coloured shoulder. I strip off my shirt to reveal the damage I have caused. One could count every rib in my ribcage and find my hips immediately. I’m 20 years old, and 102lbs. I’m under weight. I’m malnourished. I’m slowly getting sick and it’s all my doing. I can’t hold it back any more. The tears are coming to the surface. As it trickles down my check, taking appearance changing mascara and eye liner with it, I watch it hit the sink. I’m alone, in a world that suddenly seems too big for me.
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This blog is a great example of showing, not telling. The actions during the first part of the phone call, the gripping of the phone, the pinching of the nose, etc., very effectively demonstrate the emotions you felt. It’s also a revealing post, and I commend you for expressing your vulnerability so honestly.
ReplyDeleteI like that you begin the blog right at the point of anger. I immediately feel your anger, and it slowly fades along with yours. You could have tightened up the conversation considerably. With fewer exchanges and less repetition, you could maintain the impact and the message without drawing it out.
I think the bathroom scene would have been stronger if you had applied the same level of emotion there as you did during the phone call. I want to know why you want to throw up. Are you upset with yourself? Scared? The details in this scene are effective.
I love the last line of the blog. “I’m alone, in a world that suddenly seems too big for me,” tells me how you feel and is a wonderful allusion to your actual size. Well done!
I can feel your anger, denial, defeat and acceptance. It is very moving. I have to commend you on being able to bring the intensity of your post full circle. I got lost in the conversation somtimes though, and almost felt like I wanted to skip over it to get to your internal struggle, your thoughts. It may be interesting to have a version of this piece without any external dialogue; instead just responding to what you hear, mentally then what you actually say. The ending is very revealing, both physically and metaphorically, from the description of what you see to your last statement. It might gain focus if you took out the sentence "I'm 20..." until "hold it back anymore"; having the paragraph continue instead from "find my hips immediately. The tears are coming..." It might be harder, but if you describe what you actually see, and bring the reader to that moment, what you feel, I agree with Tracie that it may add to the overall piece. I also understand your title, but it may have more impact with something shorter and intriguing. I can feel the conflict in this courageous struggle, and you bring to the surface the mind's perspective on others' physical observations. Well done. Yuk-Sem
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